Growing up in a Christian home has influenced my life in many ways, God’s perfect calling being the biggest one. Throughout my life there has been a HUGE emphasis placed on God’s calling for my life. What is he asking me to do? What was I created to do? And let me tell you, I have no idea. Frankly, I don’t think it exists. Let me explain.
Every summer in high school, my youth group would pack up for a week and head to Glacier Bible Camp. The bus ride was long, the air conditioning would break, and the batteries in our MP3 players would die half way up. Nevertheless, we ventured to the most beautiful part of Montana to spend a week with God and our friends. After evening services we would gather as a group and talk about what God had been doing at camp thus far. Most students would talk about some calling they had “placed on their heart” or letting go of anger towards someone. I never had that. Each night at camp was fun but never life changing. I would feel “moved” during worship, but convince myself it was the giant fan blowing in the back or the ridiculously loud bass thumping through my body. My last year of camp I finally had my “calling” as it were. I knew without a doubt that I was going to be a worship leader and no one was going to stop me.
I applied and got accepted to Trinity Bible College and had a fire underneath me that was blazing hot. Little did I know, I wouldn’t be able to afford Trinity, better yet, I wouldn’t go at all. My church friends packed their bags and ventured off to pursue what God had called them to do and worked out a way for the to do it, and I sat on my lunch break at my full time job eating a sandwich of jealously.
Years later, I am on my church worship team and to no ones surprise I am way to anxious to lead worship. My voice quivers, my hands shake; panic overwhelms my body. To think that I had been called to be a worship leader is ridiculous.
So, I prayed and prayed, fasted, begged, pleaded with God for a calling.
I saw friends and family accomplish great things. They moved, married, reproduced. Wrote books, created businesses, and planted churches all while I sat and watched. Finally, I decided to call myself and pursue a degree in counseling. I love helping people, why not do it forever, right? I applied and got in. Heck, I even received some scholarships and financial aid that I just KNEW had to be from the Lord himself. I saw doors opening up all around me and I felt like I had FINALLY found my calling from God.
I think that God is a practical joker. For some of you, he calls you, guides you, and helps you out. For the rest of us he leads us to something awesome and slams the door shut.
I have gone through quite a lot of crap in my life, but the one thing that kept me going was knowing that “God would use it to his glory”. The death of friends would have some purpose at some point. Lost opportunities would open other doors. I couldn’t have been more wrong. I believe crappy things happen for no other reason than bad luck. Twenty year old kids die of cancer while an all powerful God watches them suffer. Maybe they should have prayed a little more, begged a little harder, and he would have stepped in.
Some of us aren’t “called” to anything other than a mediocre existence. We spend our days striving to find one thing we may be good at and all the while God knows that thing doesn’t exist. This is who we are. This is who we will forever be.