I’m sure many of you are anxiously awaiting a weight loss update, right? Yeah, I didn’t think so, but TADA…here I am. I have found myself in a very complacent mood lately. I’m not overwhelmingly disappointed with my choices, but I wouldn’t go shouting them from the rooftops either. Life has just been…blah. Going to work every morning has been a chore, washing laundry hasn’t been bad, but putting it away is a giant obstacle. Even small things like eating a cookie during a binge of The Bachelorette has not been all that exciting to me. Overall, I have been feeling very mediocre, tired, and bored.
In thinking of why this could be happening to me, two reasons have come to mind.
Number one: I need more excitement in my life. I need to shake things up, start a new hobby, find a new interest.
Number two: I am lonely.
Can I ask you two questions? How many “best” friends do you have? Now, how many of them do you actually hang out with, and enjoy doing so? I’ll give you a minute to think about it.
I have lots of “best” friends. One lives in South Dakota and we have been friends for almost 13 years. We talk almost daily, so I will count that as hanging out. Another lives in Seattle and I love her dearly, but Seattle is far and I am poor, so we don’t see each other much. The rest live here in Billings, and honestly, I hang out with one on a regular basis. This person is probably my truest form of “best” friend, and while we have good times together, he is not a girl and does not enjoy shopping. Bummer.
Now my question for myself is, why do I have so many “best” friends, when it clearly looks like I have three?
I have this incessant need to feel included, wanted, and important. I am surrounded by people at work, church, and other activities, and I feel myself forcing my way into a place I don’t belong. At work, I try hard to fit into the conversation, which is generally about my coworkers children, but I don’t have children, and frankly, I get tired of hearing about theirs. At church, I long for a connection with the people “my age” but if we are being real, I am significantly older than most of them, and I find it hard to fit in. I use humor as a way to engage others, but I am still left alone at my apartment while the rest gather in homes and enjoy their time together.
Fitting in has never been easy for me. I find I click more with people older than me, but those individuals have life experiences I can’t relate to. Friends my age have husbands and children that need their attention more than I do, and those younger than me don’t always have the maturity level or shared interests to make a real connection, so life can become lonely. I have found that to be even more true in my weight loss journey. On the rare occasion I am invited to a party or get together, finding things I can eat is tough, but bringing my own meal can come across as rude. If I do give in and eat a slice of pizza or a cookie, I have some people say things like, “oh the diet must not be going well?” or I myself become disappointed in my choices. I find that I start to isolate myself from others, more so than I already am, because I am too embarrassed to enjoy “off diet” foods in front of them, and to scared to lose control of my eating habits once more.
For me, weight loss has been a road to loneliness, and what makes it worse is the fact that I was on that road to begin with. My complacent attitude towards life and weight loss has developed from a fear of not maintaining friendships, and not creating new ones. I long for relationships, and for the majority of my life food has been that relationship. With weight loss, I have, in a sense, lost my closest friend. Food was always there to comfort me, cheer me up, and give me entertainment, and I know not everyone can relate to that, but some of you will. Food was my best friend for a very long time, and now it is an acquaintance at best. I am learning to use food as fuel and not emotional support, but I haven’t yet found a replacement for that part of my life, so I feel lonely, abandoned, and forgotten. As I continue to search for a place where I belong, I know I have friends I can count on, even if we are not so close. I have surrounded myself with caring individuals who try their best to lift me up when I am feeling down, and luckily, a few of those individuals are my true “best” friends. They loved me at my fattest, and they will love me at my lowest weight.
So, to them I say thank you, and I trust they know who they are when reading this post.