May 6th, 2018.
I weighed in this morning at 15 pounds down from my starting weight on April 4th, 2018. So, it’s been just over a month of me actively trying to lose weight, and if I’m being honest, I am SO proud of myself. As I touched on in my last post, I have always been overweight. Along with that, I have tried numerous times to lose weight and my most successful attempt ended with me losing about 12 pounds, so 15 has been a big milestone for me. Now, this hasn’t been a journey without its hurdles. I have had many nights of fighting the “binge monster”, work days where I desperately wanted a latte, and movie matinees where the cookie dough bites were screaming my name. Some of these hurdles tripped me up and I ended up on the ground with my knees scrapped and my pride aching. But the most important part is that I stood back up and starting right where I left off. For the most part I have had a lot of encouragement. My best friend does his best to help me make healthy eating choices, even if that means staying in the car while he gets some Spinners. My mom has and always will be supportive of anything I do so her so support has been no surprise to me.
But, I also have some critics.
When I hit 12 pounds down, someone had the audacity to look me in my hazel eyes and say, “you don’t look like you’ve lost 12 pounds.” I mean…. that person isn’t wrong. Even at 15 pounds lost I still look like the same morbidly obese whale named Karisa that has been walking around for years, but there is 15 pounds less of me. I do my best to let the critics have their say, but I don’t take it to heart. I have failed so many times so it is no surprise to me that people expect me to fail once again, heck, part of myself expects me to fail again.
But I refuse to let that happen.
You see, this time is different. I am not losing weight to please a boyfriend, or to gain a boyfriend. I am not losing weight to look better in Instagram photos, and I am not losing weight to please my boss. Some of these things are goals I have written down in my weight loss journal, but they are not the motivation I cling to everyday. Yes, I want a boyfriend, husband, family. I want to look good in photos and stop being the ugly friend. I want people to stop looking down on me because of my weight. But most of all, I want to be a new me; a healthy me. I am losing weight because I love myself and I know that I deserve better than what I have given myself for 26 years. When you love someone, you want them to have the best of everything. You want them to accomplish their goals and live their best life. But for 26 years I haven’t loved myself. I haven’t encouraged myself to reach my goals or live my best life. I have told myself lies and encouraged myself to hide inside, surrounded by food.
“No one wants you around, so stay home.”
“Don’t go to that event, the chairs probably won’t hold you anyway.”
“Your friends only keep you around because they pity the fat girl.”
“Your dreams will not become reality because you are not worth achieving them.”
This are just some of the lies I tell myself every day, and I know some of you can relate to them very well, but they aren’t true. So, this time, I have decided to ignore those lies and instead focus on the love I deserve, not from friends, or a significant other, but from myself.
I deserve to be loved.
I have been created in the image of a loving God, and because of that, I deserve to love myself despite my weight, my mental illness, my mistakes, and my past.
For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. Ephesians 2:10
God has called me to higher things and he has purposefully placed me right where I am. He is not surprised by the lies I tell myself, but he is saddened by them. I have let my weight keep me from God’s plan for many, many years and I will no longer allow myself to do that.
This time will be different for one reason only,
I choose love.