When I was eleven I attended a pre-teen Christian youth conference in Casper Wyoming. I remember this two day excursion for many reasons but three stick at the top of my mind. The first day I got to try ice skating for the first time, I was terrible. That same night I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit stronger than I had ever felt before. It was a powerful sensation really. In that moment I truly felt love. A love that is so deep I won’t ever be able to understand it. The last reason is the one for which I am writing today. On the last day of the conference I met a girl from Trinity Bible College. She gave me a T-shirt, a brochure, a hug and something inside of me awoke. As I stood in front of her table and learned about all this college had to offer I felt excited, hopeful, as though I had found my spot in the world. I spent the entire drive home looking at the brochure, studying every word and picture. It was in that moment that I knew I was supposed to go to Trinity Bible College. I wasn’t sure what I would study but I figured that would come later.
Flash forward a few years and here I am. Twenty five years old, working an entry level job at a local nursing home, and sitting on my bed in the apartment I share with my mother. I drive a beat up Sebring and live paycheck to paycheck, but I am however, a college graduate. But not from the college you may be thinking. I did not attend Trinity Bible College. I instead choose to attend Montana State University Billings for one year before dropping out to become a full time barista, and enrolling again at the age of twenty two to pursue my Bachelors of Human Services. So, in my short twenty five years on this earth I have achieved something but I haven’t achieved what I was called to do so many years ago.
At this moment in my life I feel lost. I am proud of what I have walked through and the battles I have faced but I am also disappointed in myself that I haven’t gotten farther in life. Most of all I am scared that I have missed my calling from God. Is it possible to walk down the wrong road and never merge with the right one? Do we get one chance to follow Gods path for us or is it a never ending cycle of chances to do his will? These questions keep me up at night. I am not a bad person. In fact I would say I am a very kind, hardworking individual who spends her life helping people, but is that enough? I don’t have answers to these questions yet, but I hope someday I will. Every night I pray for God to awaken a calling in me. A desire to serve him in some greater capacity. A chance to do something for someone else. And at this point in my life I haven’t found that exact calling. That one true purpose to strive for. Will it come? I hope so…I believe so. But until then I wait. I go about my day, praying I find my purpose in this life. I sit in my room, typing stories that will never be shared, crying tears that will never be seen, saying prayers that will be heard by one and one only; God. He knows the depths of my soul, the deepest desires of my heart and he hears my cries to him. My faith is in the One who watches over my mundane days, who dries my tears, who wraps me in his never ending love. I may feel lost, but truly I am not. How can one be lost when they are loved so deeply?
So, I press on. I will sit in my confusion, my wandering. I will pray for a purpose. For I am not lost, I am found.